Marisacat

I'd appreciate that, if I can ask as well!

I'll be ok, I have friends who are willing to help me if I need to get out. A few have suggested I go stay with them instead which I'm considering as well. We don't have eggnog here for me to join you with, but I'll drink a cocoa in return ♥️

Gosh I hope you find some safety and security. I really feel for you, I've slept in the cold before and it's a fear you don't ever forget.

This Christmas is on my mind way too much.

I'm nervous about my Mom continually trying to convince me I'm not trans like she's done last time I'm there. I'm also stressed she will have bought me male clothes for Christmas which I won't be able to hide my disappointment if so.

I pulled back on a lot of things, since her reaction to me telling her was so negative, and she was so upset about it. She doesn't even know my name, and she doesn't want to understand anything or listen to me as of last conversation in person... It's so frustrating dealing with a woman so viscously sodden with trans ignorance and prejudice. She was certain I would be "back to normal" by Christmas so, going back at all is partially a hope that she'll be willing to talk given the season and time it's been from last contract, but also a judgement if I go no contact with her.

It makes it tough, since I'll effectively lose all my family by doing this. I don't really have any desire to come out to the wider family, but I did want to tell some members discretely at some point. Every Christmas we all meet up, and have done for years, but I'll be losing that and instead be on my own for Christmas in the future. It makes it hard, and it makes it hurt.

Even if she's better and I stay for the week or two I usually do, I'll be boymode anyways the whole time, cause I don't want the wider family to know yet. I made a stupid agreement to not be too feminine when I was scared I was going to lose my mom completely, and I don't know how to push back. Especially since I'm worried she'll tell my dad and try to get him involved, who I equally worry will not accept me and will likely disown me outright. I only really see my dad once a year and likely only have a few years left with him. I'm not sure if it'll tell him, but I don't want to tell him yet for certain.

My mom was a good mom to me growing up, and she sacrificed a lot to give me opportunities in life I shouldn't have. I also thought I got the loving kindness and acceptance I have for others from her, but instead I was seemingly projecting. It's brutally crushing to see someone I was proud of up to tumble, and the hysteresis of memories clashing with her present day actions is difficult. I know I have to let go, and just being around her traumatizes me, but this Christmas is the best compromise I could reach up with myself. Any advice for asserting myself would be appreciated.