This is fucking insane
Post text:
Am I overreacting to my girlfriend's experience of assaulting homeless people in the past?
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Silver_Effective_441
Am I overreacting to my girlfriend's experience of assaulting homeless people in the past?
Originally posted to r/AmIOverreacting
Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU
TRIGGER WARNING: >!physical assault!<
Original Post July 24, 2024
So I've been dating my gf for like nine months. She just recently turned 26 and we were celebrating her birthday. At the end of the night we were both kind of drunk and were talking about our craziest stories from college. She said that her boyfriend at the time and a friend group of guys and girls would sometimes go out at night and "mess with" homeless dudes including beating them up with bats. She also referred to them as junkies and generally dehumanizing terms about them and she even mentioned that it was great stress relief. She can get pretty crazy sometimes and has a bit of a mean streak honestly, but it really shocked me when she said this. I thought she was joking because she was laughing while telling the story. But as I acted skeptical she kept affirming it was true. I just played along and kind of laughed thinking she was just drunk.
The next day it still bothered me subconsciously so I asked her again about it casually and she said yeah it was true. The thing that disturbed me though was there was no remorse. She told the story like a "lol good times" kind of story. I think if she was embarrassed about it I would have felt different. I still tried to ignore it over the next days but I obviously wasn't able to because I ended up researching online for information about similar crimes in that city at that time (I didn't find anything btw). Unfortunately I definitely believe her at this point though. She never does these kind of elaborate jokes over days plus I can just tell she's being truthful just knowing her.
Anyway, like I said it continued to bother me so I brought it up one more time a couple days later. This time I was more serious, basically just straight up asking how could she not feel bad about that. I was honestly just curious. She got kind of pissed this time. She asked me if it turns me on and that's why I keep bothering her about it. I said no but I just couldn't imagine doing something like that myself so that's why I'm asking. Then she started saying stuff like "why are you judging me about stuff that happened years ago" and saying it's none of my business who she slept with back then or anything else about her life. That's when it occurred to me that she might have thought I was jealous or something about her ex, since he was apparently one of the guys in that group. She might think I'm trying to guilt trip her out of jealousy related to him or something, which I'm not. But anyway, that was how it ended and I'm obviously not gonna bring it up again.
Even though I honestly considered breaking up over this, I kind of saw where she was coming from in that it was a long time ago and maybe I'm being kind of a dick for judging her over this? What do you think? I'm no saint at all but I can't help that it bothers me. I can't look at her the same way now and I really think it might be over. Thanks for your advice.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
pixiekaela
nor but why wasn’t this a deal breaker for you????
OOP
I think it was. I'm just saying I was second guessing it. It's hard to process.
~
Virtual-Discipline-1
Why the fuck are you with a evil person like that damn bro your a POS also
OOP
Sorry I'm not trying to justify it it's just really hard for me. But people do change. I was a totally different person in college too. This would be so much easier for me if she was just sorry about it.
pontoponyo
But she’s not sorry. She’s mad you keep bringing it up and is acting like the dude she did those horrific things with is the problem, and not the assault and battery on innocent people.
This shouldn’t be hard dude.
TOP COMMENT
Mountain-Guava2877
She’s a psychopath. She admits to violently attacking people.
Your aren’t married. You can leave.
Knowing she is capable of this, you are underreacting by staying with her. One day she could easily do something like that to you. So take precautions when you leave.
Update July 31, 2024 (1 week later)
I just wanted to let everyone know that I broke up with my girlfriend. I absolutely do not condone any violence against unhoused people. That's the reason I asked about it because it seriously shocked me, but then everyone turned it on me and acted like I was condoning it. I'm sorry but it just takes a lot of time to process when you're in a relationship with someone. You can't just end it like that. Plus you know I try to be really mindful of things like shaming women for past mistakes and relationships. The last thing I want to be is one of those guys. And when she accused me of that herself, I started believing I may be wrong.
But anyway when I told her we were gonna have to break up because of what she told me, she actually looked shocked. I think she believed I was joking at first. But I straight up told her how wrong she was for doing that, which I hadn't had the courage to do before. I said how she could have even killed one of those guys and not known it, etc. She didn't have much to say, just looking really angry honestly. But anyway once I showed I was serious she started guilt tripping me about how I'm trying to shame her for her past etc. The same point she had made before. But in the end she started insulting me really harshly and eventually turned it around on me and it was like she was breaking up with me instead. However she wants to think of it is fine with me. Some of the things she said were really hurtful if I'm being honest but I know she was just angry and I just have to keep reminding myself that I did the right thing.
As for reporting the crimes like some people said, I did try but I had trouble talking to a person at that police department over the phone (it's across the country from where I am). The phone recording tells me to file reports online. The online form asks me if I know who did the crime and when I check "yes" it tells me I have to file the report on the phone or in-person. Anyway I'm still working on that but it seems like there's a lot of beauracracy to do through. Sorry for not responding to a lot of you before but I was really overwhelmed. Even though this isn't my main account I want people to know I did the right thing. Take care.
and the changes he’s made
Exactly! A semi-governmental organization has good reason to have cash reserves, cash being in a place isn’t a justification of anything even if it were true!