You're probably experiencing burnout.
and I just am so sad. It is so up my alley, it looks so fun, but I just don't feel like I can justify devoting that much of my life to hobbies and events like that just to make me happy
Two things:
- Don't judge your private work by other's public work.
- BAM!! I just justified you devoting that much of your life to hobbies and events like that just to make you happy. I'm sorry, it's already written. Them's the rules. I can't change it now. I guess you will just have to go and have a great time. (seriously tho: that's burnout talking, don't listen)
I need to be organizing and learning and preparing, not making fun toy projects and getting drunk in the woods with a bunch of cool, queer, but ultimately pretty white upper class leaning people....
I don't know a lot about cavorting in the woods (lies), so I called an expert about gaily dancing comrades.
At the dances I was one of the most untiring and gayest. One evening a cousin of Sasha, a young boy, took me aside. With a grave face, as if he were about to announce the death of a dear comrade, he whispered to me that it did not behoove an agitator to dance. Certainly not with such reckless abandon, anyway. It was undignified for one who was on the way to become a force in the anarchist movement. My frivolity would only hurt the Cause. I grew furious at the impudent interference of the boy. I told him to mind his own business. I was tired of having the Cause constantly thrown into my face. I did not believe that a Cause which stood for a beautiful ideal, for anarchism, for release and freedom from convention and prejudice, should demand the denial of life and joy. I insisted that our Cause could not expect me to become a nun and that the movement would not be turned into a cloister. If it meant that, I did not want it. "I want freedom, the right to self-expression, everybody's right to beautiful, radiant things." Anarchism meant that to me, and I would live it in spite of the whole world — prisons, persecution, everything. Yes, even in spite of the condemnation of my own closest comrades I would live my beautiful ideal.