Mental Health

I know that everyone who follows this carnage in Gaza and wider is fucked up. I see it. So if you want to comfort me by saying I'm not alone, it won't work.

I can't take it anymore. I'm avoiding my shrink because she will gaslight me that I am doing this to myself alone. She'll tell me not to follow the news, not to interact with people online about this and such stuff. I never found the words to defend my support to Gaza to her. I won't stop watching. It's the least I can do. I don't want to turn my head and continue with my life. I don't understand how doesn't she get that. And I don't understand how people can not think about what's happening in Gaza.

Yeah, genocide is making me devastated and depressed and the only way I can feel better is if someone could end this carnage in the Middle East. But even after that, it's impossible to just forget and be happy like nothing happened. I will always carry this scar, I feel.

I also feel selfish for writing this. Because Gazans are the ones who suffer, I'm just depressed from what's happening to them, what are scum doing to them. I feel guilt for eating, for taking a cab to work, for buying skincare... I'm spending so much money on donations and even the fact I'm doing something to those people doesn't comfort me.

I'm trying to avoid the news. I just follow Gaza Now and watching what is fucking Pissrael doing to Gaza and wider. I can watch disfigured kids, but I can't read news, even from leftist outlets because I am sick and tired of talking and this is not ending. Just talk talk talk.

First thing I do when I wake up is checking if my friends from Gaza were online. That's indication if they're still alive. If they weren't online, my heart will sink until someone from them sends me a message and while I'm waiting, I'm trying to find out what happened.

I can't take it anymore. I'm constantly thinking about them and how the hell are they surviving this. My heart literally bleeds together with theirs. I want this to fucking end and I want my friends to live. I want their sufferings to finally end.

I hate everyone, I'm scared what's waiting for us and I can't believe that we're witnessing this.

I'm on 20mg of lexapro and it helps. But I am nevertheless so fucking depressed. Where's this planet going? Why did it have to be this way?

I'll die. I will literally die from sadnesses and hopelessness.

USA and Israel and all of your fucking allies, FUCK YOU. I hope something really bad will happen to you. You've destroyed all of our lives, but above everything, you genocide people in front of our eyes. Fuck you to hell, fucking monsters.

To start, I am not suicidal or having thoughts of suicide, more having constant thoughts of "I hate it here! What is there to be happy about?".

I noticed, ever since I was around 8, I always had this sense of.. sadness within me. Despite what my parents thought, I always felt sad on the inside, and I can never remember a single time when I felt legitimately happy, rather than being forced by my parents and two brothers to act happy just to fit in with social cues.

Again, ever since I was 8, up to today, at 24, I still don't know what it feels like to be happy. And any of the supposed positives in life are completely invisible to me, and any of the negatives are as visible as a bright light at night. I also often felt more "numb" on the inside than sad, although the former isn't a huge improvement.

Most days, I struggle to get out of bed and wake up on time, and fall asleep on time.

I could never relate to any of my peers, who seemed to be able to express happiness that I always felt incapable of feeling. I also always had a sense of "Why are they happy?". Thus, I grew up with no friends, and never had friends until last year. Even then, they are online friends, and are often too busy to talk.

As a final clue, I have always had seasonal depression.... On all 4 seasons of the year. I told my mom about this last year, over the phone.... And she laughed in my face over the phone, saying that "It was funny I claimed something so ridiculous". Ever since, the main reason I take care of myself at all is out of spite for my mom always doubting the existence of depression.

its super scary... i dont know how to deal with it.

i just need some laughs

Anyone else deal with this? i have a lot of trauma in my life and it resurfaced often enough to cause me problems.

Right now im just medicated, but prehaps i need a therapist

This post sounded better in my head now it just feels foggy and hard to type but I am giving it a try anyway, I just don't know how to feel anymore I feel alone, sad and I know I am ugly and my transition didnt even do anything. In general whats killing me is I cannot find a decent job, or even any job for that matter, and I just feel like my autism makes it so no one ever get's close to me and everyone secretly wants me gone.

I feel like my transition failed, I have been on HRT for 2 and a half year and only gotten very minor results, yes I have talked to my doctor but they really don't listen and I spent so much money on healthcare. I just look in the mirror and I see someone who is quite ugly and generally considered unattractive by all. My dysphoria is always really high and I very depressed about this.

As you likely know from my previous post I don't really have a great connection with my family, and they cannot support me emotionally once so ever.

I feel workwise I don't think I will ever work anywhere near anything I went to school for and will be resricted to min wage most of my life, I feel like there is not a ton of I can to change this, and nothing I seem to do helps, I am currently 2.5k in debt on credit cards and I highly doubt I will ever be able to pay that back given expenses on min wage.

I am currently living with friend but I know they can't and won't emotionally support me and I know they are the type that cares about me enough to be sad if I commited sucide but not enough to notice any of the red flags or even ask how i am doing when i am really going through it. I feel bad since I know I am a horrible, gross and annoying person. I know the only reason they even hang out with me is they feel bad for me, and realize i am a loser and this is the best I have right now. don't get wrong I still do care about my friends and I feel really bad for saying the things I said in this post but I always feel it's not their fault and they are doing the best they can, they are closer to themselves than me. I feel like if they knew how bad my mental illness was they would slowly but surely drop me due to not being able to emotionally support me, I often feel like I need to present as emotionally perfect publicly cause they don't have the spoons to help someone who is actively suicidal and hates every single element of herself

I have been recently loosing my grip on reality, I often loose myself in really hyper realistic day dreams, I will zone out to the point I question if I am even real, or if my surroundings are even real, I sometimes just give in since I feel like it's a reality that ignores how gross and horrible I am and gives m what I want but don't deserve.

I would commit but I feel like I am too much of a coward to do anything actually deadly. I don't want to be alive but I am scared of what comes after death. I also feel like traumatizing my friends is not fair.

I just feel like everything has hit rock bottom and it's my fault. My entire life sucked and I guess I just want to tell someone since I got nothing to loose anymore. My life begins with abuse, my first memory was my dad beating on my mom, soon enough my next memory was my mom moving out, I don't remember much between that but I never could of guessed he would end up winning custody, I spent the next 12 year of my life being yelled and screamed at, and hit me. I knew he loved me in some way and still does help me out but he abused me. Growing up, I never had many friends I was always treated as the weird kid and my socialization skills would suffer as I had no real sense of boundaries. When I was 14 I found out I was transgender and sudeenly for the first time in my life somethings about why I hated my body made sense, but unfortunately I would go onto the suffer many more years due to being unable to start hrt without my dads involvement. When I turned 18 I moved in with my mom, this was at first a pretty decent arrangement, I was even able to start hrt at 20, however I realized how hard it was to make friends in my home town, and my moms anxiety about driving made it hard for me to learn how to drive and than she fed into my beginners driving anxiety. it sucked but I still love her and don't feel like it was her fault. I moved out at 22 and while I was not financially equipped I thought it was the best option at the time, I made friends all steeming from a childhood friend I had at one point. It seemed perfect and I was happy, but the truth would soon rear that I annoying everyone, people speak to me with annoyance in their voice I know people only keep me around since they don't think I have an ideal place to go. Now I am in a house, I wish I could of held onto this, but I blew it, I can tell people are just my friend cause they don't think I have anywhere else to go. No one has officially told me they are not my friend but there is a certain coldness. i am really concerned eventually the long convo explaining how they feel will happen. at this moment I am thinking heavy about the end. On top of all of that I still look like a man I feel like, most trans women do like not look like men and they are some the prettiest girls i know, but I do look horrible, I am genetically cursed my facial bone structure is totally awful and I won't even feel right no matter what I do. I have been on HRT for two years and still feel this way.

I’ve been feeling suicidal lately but I legit can’t tell anyone in my life, I have many reasons why, firstly im transgender, and while I’m on hrt i still look very unattractive and no where near where I want to look, this has unfortunately resulted in me not getting a ton of affection or luck in dating and it sucks. I feel really lonely. Im currently living with some friends that I love dearly but I know the love is one way. They are my friends but they are closer to each other than me, im at that point still where it would be highly inappropriate to talk about any of my problems with them. Even if they had a sinking feeling i was gonna do something they wouldn’t stop me i don’t think I don’t mean this in a rude way it’s legitimately no one’s job to stop me. My financial situation is suffering. Im about 2.6k in debt and while that isn’t a lot for some, I don’t have a job. I’ve applied to literal a 100 jobs all of them dont call back, or I got declined. The debt grows every month since i need to buy hrt or i will only get worse mentally. I’ve been feeling like I’ll never find love, I’ll never look how I want, I’ll never have a job. Its also I’ve some funky medical stuff unrelated to anything and I need to get it checked out but again I have zero money so I push it to the back burner. If it was something serious I would just jump anyway. I also keep making little social mistakes which result in being minorly corrected and my RSD gets triggered and I hate myself. I just wish I could break down crying and tell someone I legit have had night where I was so close to doing it. So many of these nights.

I wrote a small piece on dealing with perfection paralysis. It includes 7 tips to focus on the things to do.

Let's not forget that while, I support therapy, I don't support abuse of it (for ableism).

In this video, I briefly summarise three ways in which zen buddhism and leftist theory have given me perspective on commodification of myself and the modern society.